Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating this girl off and on for about three years. About 4 months ago we decided to begin a committed relationship. Soon she moved in with me. One day I was backing up info from her cell phone onto the computer (with her permission of course), and there were two video clips of two different women masturbating. I immediately asked her about this and her reply was “I thought there were guys on there with the women when I downloaded them.” My response was “Then why are they still on your phone if they were not what you wanted?” I then let it go.
Fast forward to last week…I was on my home computer checking the internet history for a site I was previously on but could remember the exact address. That is when I discovered a bunch of girl on girl porn. I was immediately angry! I asked her if she likes girls and she flat out denied it, until I confronted her about the porn. I came at her in a way that made it seem like I was ok with it. Just so she would open up about it and be truthful. She admitted her attraction to women, but said she has never done anything sexually another girl. I’m not convinced since she already lied about the subject. I have and know many men fantasize about threesomes and things like that. I’m not interested in doing that with someone I want to build a future with. I don’t want to come home unexpectedly and find her in bed with a chick or anybody else besides me. Your thoughts? ~Looking Up
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Dear LUC: The Bitter Single Guy applauds your handling of the issue with your girlfriend. Although it was vaguely sneaky to appear to be OK with girl-on-girl action in order to get her to open up to you (so to speak), the BSG doesn’t have a problem with that level of sneakiness.
This is a tough one LUC, and mostly it’s about what you’re willing to live with. The BSG believes (as many folks do) that sexual orientation and attraction is on a continuum with totally homo on one side and totally hetero on the other side. In practice, the BSG thinks that more folks are somewhere in the middle than are usually willing to admit it. This means that the BSG thinks that every now and then a hetero guy will get a tingle for his frat brother after a few beers, and a homo guy will sometimes get a tingle for a Hooters Girl (beer is often involved in these encounters, the BSG thinks), and (this is where you come in LUC) sometimes a mostly hetero girl will get off on some girl-on-girl action, and so on. The BSG doesn’t necessarily think this means that your girlfriend is in the closet (although that is always a possibility), though.
Here’s the question, LUC: how would you feel about your girlfriend looking at straight porn? If you don’t mind her having some occasional eye candy, why does it matter whether it’s boys or girls (assuming, as the BSG is, that your sex life is appropriately active and festive)? The real issue is whether her looking at girl-on-girl porn, or guy-on-girl porn or (oddly) guy-on-guy porn, will result in her compromising the commitment she has to you. Bottom line: if she’s screwing around it doesn’t really matter (to the BSG) if it’s with a guy or a girl, she’s breaking her commitment to you and that’s the issue here.
If It’s Just Porn, well then you need to decide whether the idea of her getting off (yes, the BSG said it…you were all thinking it) to girls sometimes and boys (namely you) sometimes is something you can handle or if you want a girlfriend who’s porn activities will be limited to people with penises.